Dearest

I’m currently sitting in a coffee shop listening to a friend play a set of new music he’s written. It’s absolutely gorgeous and entrancing. This shop was the second place I ever performed music for an audience. That was almost ten years ago. It’s crazy to think how fast time has passed, and yet I find myself in the same place in a different yet similar personal situation as before: not quite knowing where I am in life or what direction I want my career to go.

I met with a producer recently for a full band project I’m working on. It’s something I can really see going somewhere and I hold the songs very dear to my heart. Music is the one thing that’s kept me sane in the past few years and I desperately want it to become my overall career. It’s a freeing feeling and something I know I’d overall be more happy doing. 

I write music to process thoughts. To overcome something that’s been bothering me or to understand it even more. I perform because it just floods me with dopamine and all the tough shit I’m going through disappears momentarily. I do it to connect with people. To feel what they feel and vice versa. Raw emotion just coursing through an entire room is a powerful thing. Music can make you dance, and laugh, and cry. It can help you remember people you lost and wonder about those you’ll meet. I just want to keep sharing that.

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Downward Spiral?

Today I wasn’t feeling that great so I left work early. I’m scared of falling back into a downward spiral. It was the first time since I came back to work that I had difficulty with focusing, talking, and tremors. I can’t tell if it’s just regular anxiety or if it’s because I just ran out of my Topamax, but either way it was unwelcome. It’s hard to tell what’s regular when you’re on meds I guess.