I figured I’d try this

I haven’t been keeping up with my journaling in a while, so I figured I’d try something I’m faster at. Writing something in a physical journal is time consuming for me. I’m quicker at typing on a qwerty keyboard. I’m not sure if my mind is as snappy or can keep up, but there are always a lot of thoughts brewing. I’ve just completed my second week of training. It feels good to be working again, but I’m still feeling anxious. I think it’s the medication. My doctor tapered me off and then made me completely stop taking Depakote and now I’m taking Lamictal and Topamax. I hope that my weight stops fluctuating and that I can force myself to stick to my workout plan now that I’ll hopefully be balanced on meds.

Weight loss has always been a struggle for me. I always have envied people who were able to eat whatever they wanted and never gained weight. I come from a family of people who no matter what we eat, we gained weight real fast… and it never seemed to fall off fast enough! I’m so sick of being a larger person. It’s something that always made me mad. I think that’s why I find myself more attracted to people who are way thinner than I am. They have the ideal body type that I want and I want to feel what it feels like. They always seem to think they’re so fat though. It’s odd to me. No one ever seems to be happy with their weight. I’d be so happy to just be under 200lbs.

Yet, I still struggle with emotional eating. It’s very impulsive and even during my time at the mental health program, it’s something I never talked about. There were people going through shit there that seemed more pressing and real compared to mine and I just wanted to not feel like I was dying first, so the eating thing got put on the back burner where it could cook and simmer for me to eat and eat and eat. There was a woman there that we’ll call Mickey. She was there for overeating and likened it to alcoholism. There was even a 12 step program for it. I considered going to a meeting, but I had already gone to several AA meetings and assumed they’d be similar. I guess I wasn’t ready to face it. I’m still not ready to face it. It means there’s a problem.

There is a problem. I have to write that out to realize. I cringe when other people take my picture because I worry that I’m going to look too fat in it. I heard a comedian the other day say something about how he does the thing where he covers his belly with one arm to hide the fat and I do the same thing. I wear a lot of black clothing because someone told me once that it was a lot more slimming and I got made fun of in high school for wearing a white t-shirt once.

I guess I just had to write all of this out to say that I promise today that I’m starting over. I’m going to the gym and I’m working out with my personal trainer and I’m not going to miss anymore sessions – as long as I hear my alarm.